What A Feelin'

It's time to take a look at your desires and get to the bottom of what you REALLY want.

Deeper Down

Deep down,
we want to shine bright.
We want
to be free.

And yet,
there is a place
deep down,
that feels safer.
A place
where we want to hide.
Hide
from our true selves.

Deep down,
we are afraid.
Afraid
of our darkness.
Afraid
to see
ourselves fully.

Can we
shine
and
hide
at the same time?

The answer is no.

So we dig deeper.

And deeper down,
we want to love
and be loved.
And
when that becomes
our reason to live,
we are no longer hiding.
We shine
BRIGHT.
Real bright.

The Universe is My Safety Net

No job will keep me safe.
No amount of food will keep me safe.
No man will keep me safe.
No drug will keep me safe.

Why not?

Because the Universe and I, we're tight. And I know that my unwavering faith in this supportive energy is what ultimately will bring me back to knowing that I am safe as I am, in this moment, always. The Universe is my Safety Net.

Starting my graphic design business is one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertook. It requires faith and perseverance. It requires getting rid of self-doubt and replacing it with self-worth. It requires learning about taxes, financial planning, marketing, networking, as well as other unexpected technical skills that I learn as I go. I took on a babysitting job a few hours a week in order to feel safe with my finances. It was working for a while, until it wasn't. And when it wasn't, the Universe kept knocking me over the head until I got the message that I was done there.

I was using this babysitting job as my safety net. I thought it was helping me financially, which it was but it allowed me to keep my business growth at a stalemate as I didn't have as much time to focus on it. My internal guide kept speaking louder, telling me to trust that the Universe knows what it is doing, just allow it to help you out! Isn't that awesome?! All we have to do is allow this supportive energy to help us. It's that simple.

As I look at other areas of my life such as my struggle with impulsive eating, I can see that I have used food as my safety net. When I was uncomfortable, when I didn't want to face the truth of what was happening in my life or how I was feeling, I looked to food for comfort, love and safety. And again, I am learning that this false sense of safety does not serve me or those around me. Because I will never feel fulfilled or safe from eating pretzels or chocolate when things get uncomfortable. I am trusting the Universal Safety Net in this area of my life as well, knowing that the feelings and emotions I am attempting to numb with food are my teachers, guiding me to LIVE. Period.

If we are eating, doing, sleeping, drinking, working out or meditating OVER our feelings, we are forgetting that we have a safety net surrounding us at all times.

Trust.

Let yourself fall gracefully into the oh-so-soft, awesomely warm, ever loving Universal Safety Net.

You Don't Need To Wait

You don't need to wait to feel at home in your body.
You are home in your body right now.

You don't need to wait to feel safe.
You are safe right now.

You don't need to wait to feel loved.
You are loved right now.

You don't need to wait to feel successful.
You are successful right now.

You don't need to wait to feel sexy.
You are sexy right now.

You don't need to wait to feel complete.
You are complete right now.

You don't need to wait to feel free.
You are free right now.

You don't need to wait to shine.
You are shining right now.

Shine on sisters and brothers!

Rebirth

“What are you so afraid of?”

Failing.

“What are you afraid will happen when you fail?”

This simple question blew my mind. I didn’t have an answer. It took me to a place in my own depths that hadn’t been touched before. I closed my eyes and there I saw it. I saw myself exploding- literally combusting into a fireball.

I will combust. I will die.

“And what happens when you combust?”

I am reborn.

LYL: Love Your Life

My 23rd year was nothing short of incredible and I want to share with you all some insider knowledge on what made it so amazing and how I made it my most rockin' year yet.

From the outside looking in, one could look at my past year and say that I had terrible luck and that I had a really shitty year because of various situations with my career and finances. One would say that I failed at finding a job that I thought I wanted, that I was a failure because I was living at home with my parents and not making it on my own. Actually, you know what's really freakin cool? I am so used to being in a state of miracle-mindedness, because I have chosen to only perceive love, that trying to think of this past year as something other than miraculous to write that sentence was difficult for me. It wasn't easy to think of reasons why someone would say my year was terrible. However, I can assure you that 12 months ago, I had a long list of reasons why my life wasn't good enough. But I have come to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason. Every perceived obstacle is an opportunity for personal growth and oftentimes an opportunity to let go of old beliefs and open up to new possibilities beyond what our small minds have conceived for us. Of course, growing pains will be experienced along the way, and I can assure you of that, but when we come out of those perceived low points, what is left is a purer form of yourself. It's almost like you shed a layer of yourself and are closer to your true form.

For me, I graduated school and thought that everything would fall into place. I would find a job, even if it wasn't my ideal job and I would have a great apartment with friends that I loved. However, this didn't happen and I was left to do the only thing I could think of: take a look inward and figure out how to be happy and what direction to move in. I was recently talking to my aunt and she made note that I came upon this journey because it was what I was looking for. I have always been yearning to know myself at the deepest level possible, to know my true desires, to break through the barriers I had created that prevented me from truly connecting with the world. I have come closer to knowing my true self than I ever have before. And who I am today will be different from who I am tomorrow or in a few months. Which is why this thing called life is so damn awesome!!

Here is a reflection of this past year for me.
-I began my journey to remove all the walls that I built around myself
-I placed connecting to my inner guidance my number one priority
-I started out by reading some books and meditating every once in a while and I go deeper with my spiritual practice every day
-I read "Add More ~Ing To Your Life" by Gabrielle Bernstein and became part of the amazing herfuture.com community online and in NYC
-I began a daily meditation practice
-I have transformed close relationships through forgiveness
-I have provided support, coaching, and inspiration for many of my friends
-I lost 40 pounds
-I went off all of my medications
-I began exercising and feeling damn good because of it
-I became more comfortable in my body (even now that I have gained some weight back, not just because I lost weight)
-I worked at a social media marketing agency
-I created the logo designs for Sacred Space NYC, Best You Forever, Wine For Women
-I did design work for countless other inspiring businesses
-I kept an open mind and was guided to incredibly inspiring friends, mentors, communities, healing modalities
-I have read probably about 30 books
-I have a bookshelf full of even more books to read
-I went on my first date
-I bulldozed the barriers that prevented me from admitting my true desires to do something health-related for my career
-I enrolled in the school that I had been wanting to for a year (Institute of Integrated Nutrition)
-I am working with a health coach that I admire and am helping her with her business
-I am part of an amazing group of women that inspires me daily
-I am group coaching with Gabrielle Bernstein
-I am starting my own graphic design business
-I am doing things that scare me every day, getting outside of my comfort zone
-I moved into NYC and have my own apartment (with an amazing roommate, I might add)
-I ran 3 miles at once!!
-I tried hot yoga for the first time and LOVE it
-I started going to IntenSati classes
-I started this blog
-I am a featured contributor for www.yourbellalife.com
-I love myself
-I live a life full of gratitude, love and smiles
-I allow myself to feel everything that is coming up for me instead of being ashamed when I am not feeling happy

Now how can you feel this awesome about your own life?
My Top 5 Tips To Love Your Life
1. Make a Gratitude List or a Love List. Write down everything you are grateful for in your life as often as you can. Sometimes you may not want to do this so find a friend who will rattle off what they love to you and someone you can do the same. My friend Micki and I had the best bbm convo EVER when we spent an hour sending each other bbms such as: hot chocolate, the ocean, dolphins, kisses, massages, running in the rain, snowball fights, people watching, the color lime green. Whatever it is, call on what makes you happy.
2. View all of the obstacles you encounter as opportunities. There is always something to learn from any perceived challenge. Later on, you will most likely be able to see why these challenges came up for you and what you learned from them. Maximum growth will occur when you remind yourself that you can learn from the obstacle.
3. Make it your number one priority to listen to your intuition. Choose from the heart. Your intuition knows best and when you listen to this voice inside of you, you will experience fulfillment and happiness in each moment.
4. Get Moving! Physical activity makes you feel good. No ifs ands or buts.
5. Choose to believe that everything in your life is working out for your highest good. Why would it be any other way?

I'll Rise

I have so much to share with you guys I can barely handle it all!! It will all pour out of me when it is meant to but for now I had to the hit to share this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou and a version of the poem sung by Ben Harper. Stay tuned for my year in review, 25 things to do before I turn 25 (I can't believe I am turning 24 tomorrow!), thoughts on recieving, crystal healing, emotional eating, book recommendations, meditation for beginners, a different alternative healing modality featured each week, and tons more to come.



You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Blessings In Disguise

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." - Oscar Wilde

Hey, Inner Sexy One, Come Out to Play

Last night I attended a meditation and writing workshop called Recommitting to You led by Meredith Levick, of Morning Love Letter, and Macha Einbender, of http://www.spiritualmakeoverartist.com/. These gatherings are always incredible but the combination of meditation and writing in a circle of women is a powerful one. Writing is a tool we can all use to tap into our deepest desires as well as feelings that are hidden in our subconscious mind. Last night we used writing to look at where we are giving our energy to others, how we are giving to ourselves, and then how that is serving us. The end of the evening was focused on what part of ourselves we wanted to cleanse and rid ourselves of before 2011. During the meditation, we envisioned everything being thrown into purple flames. This was an incredibly freeing visualization and a powerful thing to do to close out the year and recommit to who we want to be for the coming year.

I wanted to share my writing with you. Here we go!

I throw my inhibitions into the flame. I throw the fear of not being loved for being just being alive, for just being me. I throw away the thought that I am not sexy, that I am not beautiful, that I am broken. I embrace my inner sexy goddess. I let her come out and play. I don't contain her to the bedroom but I let her out with my friends, in my career, in every moment. She deserves to be who she is. She is ready. She has been waiting for this time when she is accepted and she delights in your love for her. She is passion. She is drive. She is motivation. She is fun. She is sexy. She is spontaneous. She is loving. She is Love.

What are you ready to throw into the flame? What part of yourself are you ready to embrace?

The Artist Never Knows

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes de Mille

You Have A Choice

You choose the world you inhabit. That's right, YOU choose. You can choose to see your world with love or you can choose to see the world through the limited lens of fear. It is always your choice and always will be your choice.

I have come to realize that I was playing the role of victim. As a child I didn't have the tools to recognize this role I was playing over and over again but even so, in those moments, I was choosing to view my life with fear. It currently plays out in different areas of my life but it's all the same thing. The voice that wants to convince me that I am a victim of my own life will say: I didn't get the job I thought I deserved, sucks for me. I have to deal with these health issues, why am I the only one? It is time that I took responsibility for my thoughts and my actions. One of my mentors, Sonya Boesse, explained that we are swimming in an ocean of currents. You can't control the ocean around you but you can control your own wave, the thoughts you put out there. I know that my wave has been polluted and it is time to clean it up. There is no need to beat myself up about this either! All it takes is a commitment to pure and loving thoughts on a moment by moment basis. I have a lifetime of "work" to do but I have seen many miracles from recognizing that I am not my thoughts.

Your thoughts create your reality, so what do you want your reality to look like?

On a more humorous note...remember this song?!? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE- Ace of Base. It just came up on my itunes and I had to share...Ace of Base was my first cd!

Let Go

I am declaring here and now that I am letting go. I let go of all the plans and the ideas that I held about how my life should turn out. Why? Because I have realized in the past few months that we have way less control over the events of our life than we think. And man, the surprises that have come my way are way better than what I thought I had wanted in my limited mind. I believe there is a plan for me, one greater than I can even imagine, and I know that if I keep pushing and screaming for what I think I want or need, I will prevent this greatness from entering my life.

Whether or not you believe in a power greater than you, I think we can all agree that things are supposed to be easy. Life is supposed to flow and when it isn't, it gives us a chance to look at what is preventing that flow.

I let go. I float down the river of life. I lie back, looking up at the clouds. I feel the universe supporting me and carrying me towards someplace I know deep down exists but temporarily am unable to see. I flow towards Love. Each fish, rock, or patch of white water I come across propels me further towards the greatness that is my Highest Self. I take in my surroundings. I smell the trees, I feel the air on my body, I watch the birds fly by. I am grateful for the bends in the river for they keep me on my toes. I am grateful for the splits in the river because I know that whichever way I choose to travel, I am heading Home. I am protected, I am safe, I am at peace. I flow with ease and I ask you to join my hand.

love love love,
a

Hiding In Your Nest- Part One

Where are you hiding? What are the beliefs you hold about yourself that prevent you from living the life you love? What is it that you truly want out of life and what are you doing that is hindering that from coming true?

We are human, we grow, we expand, that's just what we do. In every moment we are growing whether we like it or not! Every second is a different moment in time. It is human nature to cling to the past and hold onto the things we think keep us safe but this prevents us from growing to our full potential and from living in the moment. And we know this moment is all there is, so let's get back to living in the moment by getting out of our nest, our comfort zone.

I used to hide because I knew no other way. Most of the time I was very conscious of the fact that I was hiding but I didn't know a way out. I didn't know how to break through that wall that I had created and most of all I was frustrated that there was a wall to begin with. Where did it come from? Who built it? Why can't I just karate kick it down and voila, happiness! It's funny because I always thought of myself as easy going and happy and I think that's because I really really wanted to be. But I was ignoring all of the feelings harbored deep inside of me that wanted to be released. I was scared to admit that I had these feelings about myself- that would make them too real. So I stuffed these feelings down in my body, not allowing myself to ask for help, not allowing myself to feel sad or angry when I needed to. This is why I had the excess weight. I didn't allow my feelings to flow freely and I stuffed down my emotions, my food, and everything else. It had no where else to go but stick around. I can now pinpoint the moment in time in which I decided I was unworthy of loving myself and being fully present in my body. I will save this story for my next post (oohh la la suspense) but for now, think about the beliefs you hold about yourself that aren't true and try to pinpoint the areas in your life where you may be hiding.

My nest is the [false] belief that I don't have a "beautiful" body and therefore I am unworthy of my desires and unworthy of speaking my truth. This standard of beauty that I based my whole self image on was set by our society and it just an illusion, IT IS NOT REAL. Pheww that feels good. Everyone is beautiful and we are the ones who can choose to see that beauty in everyone and everything. It starts with YOU.

Eating Sans Guilt

I know it isn't just me and that many of us have some sort of unhealthy relationship with food- it either came from our family's eating habits, a friend's comment about what we were eating, or another kid in elementary school saying "ewwww are you really going to eat that green gunk?". I know for me, I have had to make a conscious decision to view food differently. I used to live in fear of what I ate- was I eating too much? Worrying about how many calories or carbs I was intaking, there was always some form of guilt present. There are still so many times where I am eating something and I start to think to myself "I really shouldn't be eating this right now, it is going to make me fat". I am starting to see that it is the belief that what you are eating is bad for you, that makes it bad for you. I remember hearing Marianne Williamson say once that until her friend asked her why she wasn't worried about the coffee she was drinking at night keeping her up, the caffeine had zero affect on her. That night, when that fearful thought crept in, it was the first night she couldn't fall asleep because of the coffee. This isn't to say that we should all go around eating crap all the time because every food you eat has its own energy and own characteristics, but eating is something that is meant to be full of pleasure and the guilt does NOT serve us!

Some steps I have been taking to enjoy my food (and this can go for anything in life)
1. I take a moment before i eat to be grateful for the food in front of me, the food that is providing me with nourishment and the energy to go about my day and do the things i love!
2. Choosing the foods that I really want to eat in the moment. Since I am really in touch with how food makes me feel, I usually crave healthy foods such as whole grains, protein from beans, and tons of veggies but there I times that I want to eat something that I used to deem untouchable. My friend asked if I wanted a sip of her vanilla milkshake this afternoon and instead of saying no but really wanting it, I took a sip and enjoyed the sweet flavor that reminded me of childhood.
3. Monitor my thoughts while I am eating. If a fearful thought pops into my head, I will acknowledge this thought, forgive myself for having the thought and then release it. We have thoughts but we are not our thoughts. This means that right now, these old patterns of thought are still in place but it is my decision whether or not to identify with them and i choose loving thoughts.
4. Slow down. This is key to enjoying your food. When I am scarfing down what's on my plate, I can barely recognize that I had even eaten anythign at the end of the meal. Of course this means I am still hungry but it also feels like I just rushed through something that I could have enjoyed and that's no fun. I have noticed that now that I take my time to taste every bite, to chew every morsel of food, to drink water in between bites, I really can taste the food more. I can feel the food moving into my stomach and being metabolized by my beautiful body. I can feel my body working and I feel so satisfied at the end of the meal. I recently was guided to read a book called "The Slow Down Diet" by Marc David and I can't wait to share everything I learn from this book.
5. Enjoy the company I am with. Eating is a very social thing and one of my favorite things to do is to sit down to a nice meal and some vino with my friends. When I notice and take in the love that is around me in the moment, I am full of that love and not looking at food to fill me up.

As you can see, all of this comes back to self-love and this is a big theme for me right now. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect to be happy? how can you expect to love others? how can you expect to really know who you are? I am currently clearing all of this past gunk out so I can really know what it feels like to love myself- all parts of myself. Every day I look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love me. It was really hard to do this in the beginning plus I felt like a freak but each and every day it gets easier and more fun! If you have never done this, try it out. If it is too much to say this out loud you can think it or even start with saying that you are willing to love yourself.

Have any of you ever experienced this guilt? What have you done to get out of this fearful state of mind? I would love to know!

Hope you had a fab weekend!
A