Deeper Down

Deep down,
we want to shine bright.
We want
to be free.

And yet,
there is a place
deep down,
that feels safer.
A place
where we want to hide.
Hide
from our true selves.

Deep down,
we are afraid.
Afraid
of our darkness.
Afraid
to see
ourselves fully.

Can we
shine
and
hide
at the same time?

The answer is no.

So we dig deeper.

And deeper down,
we want to love
and be loved.
And
when that becomes
our reason to live,
we are no longer hiding.
We shine
BRIGHT.
Real bright.

LYL: Love Your Life

My 23rd year was nothing short of incredible and I want to share with you all some insider knowledge on what made it so amazing and how I made it my most rockin' year yet.

From the outside looking in, one could look at my past year and say that I had terrible luck and that I had a really shitty year because of various situations with my career and finances. One would say that I failed at finding a job that I thought I wanted, that I was a failure because I was living at home with my parents and not making it on my own. Actually, you know what's really freakin cool? I am so used to being in a state of miracle-mindedness, because I have chosen to only perceive love, that trying to think of this past year as something other than miraculous to write that sentence was difficult for me. It wasn't easy to think of reasons why someone would say my year was terrible. However, I can assure you that 12 months ago, I had a long list of reasons why my life wasn't good enough. But I have come to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason. Every perceived obstacle is an opportunity for personal growth and oftentimes an opportunity to let go of old beliefs and open up to new possibilities beyond what our small minds have conceived for us. Of course, growing pains will be experienced along the way, and I can assure you of that, but when we come out of those perceived low points, what is left is a purer form of yourself. It's almost like you shed a layer of yourself and are closer to your true form.

For me, I graduated school and thought that everything would fall into place. I would find a job, even if it wasn't my ideal job and I would have a great apartment with friends that I loved. However, this didn't happen and I was left to do the only thing I could think of: take a look inward and figure out how to be happy and what direction to move in. I was recently talking to my aunt and she made note that I came upon this journey because it was what I was looking for. I have always been yearning to know myself at the deepest level possible, to know my true desires, to break through the barriers I had created that prevented me from truly connecting with the world. I have come closer to knowing my true self than I ever have before. And who I am today will be different from who I am tomorrow or in a few months. Which is why this thing called life is so damn awesome!!

Here is a reflection of this past year for me.
-I began my journey to remove all the walls that I built around myself
-I placed connecting to my inner guidance my number one priority
-I started out by reading some books and meditating every once in a while and I go deeper with my spiritual practice every day
-I read "Add More ~Ing To Your Life" by Gabrielle Bernstein and became part of the amazing herfuture.com community online and in NYC
-I began a daily meditation practice
-I have transformed close relationships through forgiveness
-I have provided support, coaching, and inspiration for many of my friends
-I lost 40 pounds
-I went off all of my medications
-I began exercising and feeling damn good because of it
-I became more comfortable in my body (even now that I have gained some weight back, not just because I lost weight)
-I worked at a social media marketing agency
-I created the logo designs for Sacred Space NYC, Best You Forever, Wine For Women
-I did design work for countless other inspiring businesses
-I kept an open mind and was guided to incredibly inspiring friends, mentors, communities, healing modalities
-I have read probably about 30 books
-I have a bookshelf full of even more books to read
-I went on my first date
-I bulldozed the barriers that prevented me from admitting my true desires to do something health-related for my career
-I enrolled in the school that I had been wanting to for a year (Institute of Integrated Nutrition)
-I am working with a health coach that I admire and am helping her with her business
-I am part of an amazing group of women that inspires me daily
-I am group coaching with Gabrielle Bernstein
-I am starting my own graphic design business
-I am doing things that scare me every day, getting outside of my comfort zone
-I moved into NYC and have my own apartment (with an amazing roommate, I might add)
-I ran 3 miles at once!!
-I tried hot yoga for the first time and LOVE it
-I started going to IntenSati classes
-I started this blog
-I am a featured contributor for www.yourbellalife.com
-I love myself
-I live a life full of gratitude, love and smiles
-I allow myself to feel everything that is coming up for me instead of being ashamed when I am not feeling happy

Now how can you feel this awesome about your own life?
My Top 5 Tips To Love Your Life
1. Make a Gratitude List or a Love List. Write down everything you are grateful for in your life as often as you can. Sometimes you may not want to do this so find a friend who will rattle off what they love to you and someone you can do the same. My friend Micki and I had the best bbm convo EVER when we spent an hour sending each other bbms such as: hot chocolate, the ocean, dolphins, kisses, massages, running in the rain, snowball fights, people watching, the color lime green. Whatever it is, call on what makes you happy.
2. View all of the obstacles you encounter as opportunities. There is always something to learn from any perceived challenge. Later on, you will most likely be able to see why these challenges came up for you and what you learned from them. Maximum growth will occur when you remind yourself that you can learn from the obstacle.
3. Make it your number one priority to listen to your intuition. Choose from the heart. Your intuition knows best and when you listen to this voice inside of you, you will experience fulfillment and happiness in each moment.
4. Get Moving! Physical activity makes you feel good. No ifs ands or buts.
5. Choose to believe that everything in your life is working out for your highest good. Why would it be any other way?

I'll Rise

I have so much to share with you guys I can barely handle it all!! It will all pour out of me when it is meant to but for now I had to the hit to share this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou and a version of the poem sung by Ben Harper. Stay tuned for my year in review, 25 things to do before I turn 25 (I can't believe I am turning 24 tomorrow!), thoughts on recieving, crystal healing, emotional eating, book recommendations, meditation for beginners, a different alternative healing modality featured each week, and tons more to come.



You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Blessings In Disguise

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." - Oscar Wilde

The Artist Never Knows

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes de Mille

Fire That Lights or Burns

Anger. The fire deep within wants to come out and play. Wants to twist and strangle and burn. It suffocates and emblazes every cell of myself and those around me. Allowance of the raging fire softens the blows. I am able to enjoy the heat it produces and I sink into its warmth. Fire is a fine line, however. In it’s untamed state it is destructive. Anger engulfs the shadow, highlights the demonic. Stares sin in the face. In an instant this fiery passion can light up the room or turn everything on its path into ash. Free will dictates that I choose its fate.

Let Go

I am declaring here and now that I am letting go. I let go of all the plans and the ideas that I held about how my life should turn out. Why? Because I have realized in the past few months that we have way less control over the events of our life than we think. And man, the surprises that have come my way are way better than what I thought I had wanted in my limited mind. I believe there is a plan for me, one greater than I can even imagine, and I know that if I keep pushing and screaming for what I think I want or need, I will prevent this greatness from entering my life.

Whether or not you believe in a power greater than you, I think we can all agree that things are supposed to be easy. Life is supposed to flow and when it isn't, it gives us a chance to look at what is preventing that flow.

I let go. I float down the river of life. I lie back, looking up at the clouds. I feel the universe supporting me and carrying me towards someplace I know deep down exists but temporarily am unable to see. I flow towards Love. Each fish, rock, or patch of white water I come across propels me further towards the greatness that is my Highest Self. I take in my surroundings. I smell the trees, I feel the air on my body, I watch the birds fly by. I am grateful for the bends in the river for they keep me on my toes. I am grateful for the splits in the river because I know that whichever way I choose to travel, I am heading Home. I am protected, I am safe, I am at peace. I flow with ease and I ask you to join my hand.

love love love,
a

Hiding In Your Nest- Part One

Where are you hiding? What are the beliefs you hold about yourself that prevent you from living the life you love? What is it that you truly want out of life and what are you doing that is hindering that from coming true?

We are human, we grow, we expand, that's just what we do. In every moment we are growing whether we like it or not! Every second is a different moment in time. It is human nature to cling to the past and hold onto the things we think keep us safe but this prevents us from growing to our full potential and from living in the moment. And we know this moment is all there is, so let's get back to living in the moment by getting out of our nest, our comfort zone.

I used to hide because I knew no other way. Most of the time I was very conscious of the fact that I was hiding but I didn't know a way out. I didn't know how to break through that wall that I had created and most of all I was frustrated that there was a wall to begin with. Where did it come from? Who built it? Why can't I just karate kick it down and voila, happiness! It's funny because I always thought of myself as easy going and happy and I think that's because I really really wanted to be. But I was ignoring all of the feelings harbored deep inside of me that wanted to be released. I was scared to admit that I had these feelings about myself- that would make them too real. So I stuffed these feelings down in my body, not allowing myself to ask for help, not allowing myself to feel sad or angry when I needed to. This is why I had the excess weight. I didn't allow my feelings to flow freely and I stuffed down my emotions, my food, and everything else. It had no where else to go but stick around. I can now pinpoint the moment in time in which I decided I was unworthy of loving myself and being fully present in my body. I will save this story for my next post (oohh la la suspense) but for now, think about the beliefs you hold about yourself that aren't true and try to pinpoint the areas in your life where you may be hiding.

My nest is the [false] belief that I don't have a "beautiful" body and therefore I am unworthy of my desires and unworthy of speaking my truth. This standard of beauty that I based my whole self image on was set by our society and it just an illusion, IT IS NOT REAL. Pheww that feels good. Everyone is beautiful and we are the ones who can choose to see that beauty in everyone and everything. It starts with YOU.

Eating Sans Guilt

I know it isn't just me and that many of us have some sort of unhealthy relationship with food- it either came from our family's eating habits, a friend's comment about what we were eating, or another kid in elementary school saying "ewwww are you really going to eat that green gunk?". I know for me, I have had to make a conscious decision to view food differently. I used to live in fear of what I ate- was I eating too much? Worrying about how many calories or carbs I was intaking, there was always some form of guilt present. There are still so many times where I am eating something and I start to think to myself "I really shouldn't be eating this right now, it is going to make me fat". I am starting to see that it is the belief that what you are eating is bad for you, that makes it bad for you. I remember hearing Marianne Williamson say once that until her friend asked her why she wasn't worried about the coffee she was drinking at night keeping her up, the caffeine had zero affect on her. That night, when that fearful thought crept in, it was the first night she couldn't fall asleep because of the coffee. This isn't to say that we should all go around eating crap all the time because every food you eat has its own energy and own characteristics, but eating is something that is meant to be full of pleasure and the guilt does NOT serve us!

Some steps I have been taking to enjoy my food (and this can go for anything in life)
1. I take a moment before i eat to be grateful for the food in front of me, the food that is providing me with nourishment and the energy to go about my day and do the things i love!
2. Choosing the foods that I really want to eat in the moment. Since I am really in touch with how food makes me feel, I usually crave healthy foods such as whole grains, protein from beans, and tons of veggies but there I times that I want to eat something that I used to deem untouchable. My friend asked if I wanted a sip of her vanilla milkshake this afternoon and instead of saying no but really wanting it, I took a sip and enjoyed the sweet flavor that reminded me of childhood.
3. Monitor my thoughts while I am eating. If a fearful thought pops into my head, I will acknowledge this thought, forgive myself for having the thought and then release it. We have thoughts but we are not our thoughts. This means that right now, these old patterns of thought are still in place but it is my decision whether or not to identify with them and i choose loving thoughts.
4. Slow down. This is key to enjoying your food. When I am scarfing down what's on my plate, I can barely recognize that I had even eaten anythign at the end of the meal. Of course this means I am still hungry but it also feels like I just rushed through something that I could have enjoyed and that's no fun. I have noticed that now that I take my time to taste every bite, to chew every morsel of food, to drink water in between bites, I really can taste the food more. I can feel the food moving into my stomach and being metabolized by my beautiful body. I can feel my body working and I feel so satisfied at the end of the meal. I recently was guided to read a book called "The Slow Down Diet" by Marc David and I can't wait to share everything I learn from this book.
5. Enjoy the company I am with. Eating is a very social thing and one of my favorite things to do is to sit down to a nice meal and some vino with my friends. When I notice and take in the love that is around me in the moment, I am full of that love and not looking at food to fill me up.

As you can see, all of this comes back to self-love and this is a big theme for me right now. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect to be happy? how can you expect to love others? how can you expect to really know who you are? I am currently clearing all of this past gunk out so I can really know what it feels like to love myself- all parts of myself. Every day I look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love me. It was really hard to do this in the beginning plus I felt like a freak but each and every day it gets easier and more fun! If you have never done this, try it out. If it is too much to say this out loud you can think it or even start with saying that you are willing to love yourself.

Have any of you ever experienced this guilt? What have you done to get out of this fearful state of mind? I would love to know!

Hope you had a fab weekend!
A

Jivamuktea Cafe

I am sitting in Jivamuktea Cafe after a lovely meal with my friend Ariela and I am doing some design work for the wonderful www.yourbellalife.com. Although this place is a bit more expensive than I would like, the food is scrumptious and always satisfying. It is also such an easy place to meet groups of people because of the casual vibe.

I woke up this morning, thanked the universe for being alive and also for a restorative night's sleep. I meditated and ate my breakfast of Food for Life's Ezekiel Sprouted Whole Grain- Cinnamon Raisin cereal with almond milk. I usually have some fresh produce when I wake up but wasn't feelin' it today so I ate this. At Jivamuktea, I had the Montana salad: spicy tempeh, quinoa and avocado served over mized greens with tumeric tahini dressing. This bowl was extremely satisfying and I felt energized afterwards. I am sitting in the cafe doing work and an hour after lunch I wanted to get a smoothie because I heard they were deelish. They have "Chakra Smoothies" and there is one that goes with each chakra: enlightened (crown), wisdom (third eye), truth (throat), love (heart), confident (solar plexus), sexy smoothie (sacral) and abundant (root). I got the Enlightened Smoothie which is made with banana, fresh ginger, agave nectar and coconut water. I felt a bit sluggish after finishing this and notice this itchy feeling in my throat. It probably has to do with the temperature of the smoothie and my sensitivity to cold things. I am going to do some research on this and I will share what I learn.

Danielle Boonstra, writer of nourishthyself, posted this quote today and I thought I would leave you with it. Also, check her blog out- it's super inspiring.

"The appearances are that our bodies & our circumstances control our thoughts, but the opposite is true. Our thoughts control our bodies & our circumstances." - Emilie Cady

My Inuition Say What?! Giving You the Lowdown on my Health

I am not going to lie, I am nervous about this whole blogging business and I am not quite sure where to start, so I decided I would start by telling you that. Part of learning to listen to your intuition includes listening even when you think it's saying something crazy. Me? Start a blog? The truth is, there has been this soft voice nudging me to do this for a while now but I never really saw myself as much of a blogger so I delayed it and delayed it. My ego would tell me "WHO would read YOUR blog?" "You aren't interesting enough, are you crazy?!", "You misspelled the word roommate in your wireless password, what makes you think you can write?!". However, I recently received some guidance to consider what this gentle voice is saying and take action, listening to it ALL the time versus only when it makes "logical" sense inside my head. I am opening my heart to the idea that this inner guidance (stick in whatever you want to call it: your Higher Self, the Universe, G*d, Goddess, Source or Spirit) knows what is best for me so I am putting myself out there and sharing my story.

To give you a brief background on my health: I had been overweight my whole life. I always kept my weight under control through my diet and exercise but no matter what I did, it felt as if nothing worked. When I hit puberty, things got a lot worse...I wasn't getting my periods and my weight skyrocketed as my self esteem plummeted. Coming from an athletic, thin family, I didn't understand why I was having these issues even though I was eating the same foods as all of them. After years of confusion, I found a doctor that told me I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and was dealing with insulin resistance. Although there was a certain amount of relief with this diagnosis, TONS of fear came up as I was told all of the risks and complications I would have to deal with in my adult life. I was put on a few medications: birth control, metformin/glucophage, and some appetite suppressants. Like many, I tried countless diets and although I would find temporary success, I would gain all of that weight I lost right back after. I believe this was because I wasn't approaching my diet in the healthiest and most sustainable way but also because I didn't feel like I deserved to be thin and happy. With PCOS and any insulin resistance, a low glycemic diet (low in sugar) is recommended. I felt like I had extremely strict guidelines with eating and felt restricted. I wasn't allowed to eat what my friends and family was eating and always had that "why me" attitude about it. Because of this, my relationship to food became one of punishment and reward. I either hated eating or loved it too much. With the stresses of college life, health became #2 on my list of priorities because it still felt like a punishment, something I had to think of but no one else did.

I remember the day, a few days before graduation, I was walking with my roommate (woo i spelled it right!) and we were discussing what we wanted to accomplish after college. Little did I know I was setting my intention for a year full of self-discovery and changes but I said out loud how I wanted to feel TRULY comfortable in my body. I explained how I had this memory when I was a teenager of feeling sexy, of feeling at home in my body, of sliding into a pair of jeans and loving how they fit so snugly around every curve. It was such a fleeting moment and I wanted to feel that again. As I know now, the slightest willingness is all you need. I was guided to my personal trainer and now great friend, Kelly, and she showed me how I could do anything I put my mind to. She also courageously showed me how little I really thought of myself, the lack of faith I had in my abilities and how negative my self talk was. Just like Jillian Michaels on the Biggest Loser, she pushed me to my core and I began to see the infinite potential that was living inside of me. I began to see that I was not that limited self I thought I was. A month into this, my intuition told me to stop taking my medications and do this on my own. I knew in my core that I could do this on my own but it is a scary thing to do when most of society and your family are dependent on western medicine. I am so grateful for everything that western medicine has given us but I personally knew deep down that there was a different, healthier path for myself. I began seeing a holistic chiropractor that provided me with natural supplements to support my diet, got my nervous system working again and used EFT to help release old stored emotions. Through a rigorous exercise routine, cleaning up my diet (researching like crazy day and night), holistic chiropractic work and serious self-reflection, I lost 40 pounds over 8 months!! These 40 pounds not only shed because of my clean diet and commitment to exercise but I was ridding myself of old limiting beliefs and dealing with all of the old emotions that I had been running from my entire life.

I am at an interesting point in my journey right now. I am working on shifting my perceptions and doing the work to open my heart fully to the love that is within and all around me with the support of the herfuture community and my mentor and life coach, Gabrielle Bernstein. I am making huge breakthroughs, I know exactly when/where my ego tries to take me down and I am experiencing moments of the peace and serenity that come from not hooking into the ego's illusions. I was going to say that I am surprised that I have gained a few pounds in the past few months but now that I think about it, I am not surprised at all. I am working through the root cause of my excess weight, the feelings of inadequacy I have always harbored inside of me. Of course the physical symptoms are going to show up!

Also, I have recently been dealing with an allergy to the cold. YES, the cold. I know it sounds crazy but literally I will walk outside and my face and legs and hands will instantly get hives and it is pretty uncomfortable. It also happens when I am working out. My friend, Arielle Fierman of Be Well With Arielle , (check out her amazing ilove me ring by the way! I have one and it makes me so happy) told me to think of this energetically and ask myself what makes me warm? What are things that make me warm from the inside out? Instead of only eating raw foods or foods low on the glycemic diet or foods that someone else tells me are good for me, I am going to use my intuition to figure out what foods make me warm, what foods are right for ME. I may risk getting it wrong, I may gain a few pounds along the way, but it isn't about the weight anymore. It is about feeling warm and loved from the inside out and that is all that really matters.

To sum it up: my intention is to uncover what foods are right for me so that I can be my happiest and healthiest self and along the way make some discoveries about how food affects the mind, body and spirit.

Now that the past is taken care of, let's get on with this journey! Looking forward to posting tomorrow.

Until then,
A